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Does anyone know any chess jokes or jokes related to chess? One-liners/short jokes best. These jokes would be aimed at a non-chess playing audience, so nothing too esoteric would be appropriate. Vulgar is good. They are for a best-mans speech - the groom plays chess as a hobby. Thank you
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Don't whip out your bishop too soon for a quick mate!
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The day the bride and groom met at the Chess Club she said "Is that a King in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me !!"
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A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
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Paul visits his friend Steve and finds him playing a game of chess with his dog. 'This dog of yours is really clever,' says Paul. Steve responds: 'Not really. He only wins one game in three.'
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A guy comes home from the chess club and his wife starts nagging him. "The Chess Club again, that's all you think about Chess! Chess! Chess! and more bloody Chess!
When was the last time you took me out?" "four knights ago."
"A fortnight ago and when was the last time you spoke to me?" "Two Knights ago."
"Two nights ago and when was the last time you spent more than an hour with me - and don't say three nights ago." "I appear to be in Time Trouble."
"You are in trouble this time alright. And what was you up to last night? You kissed me and then went out." "J'adoube."
"Speak English you swine. Tomorrow I'm locking the door and you won't be going out anywhere." "I'll be in Zugzwang."
"Is John coming round tomorrow?" "I'll have to check"
"I can't stand it when he comes!" " But he's my mate"
"What do you want for your supper?" "Fried Liver."
"Then you can fix the toilet, It's blocked." "I Khan do that."
"Why not?" "I have not read 'My Cistern.'"
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thanks for the responses guys. I think i can use the bishop mate one. I guess chess and humour just don't go too well together, but keep them coming..
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I don't know too many chess jokes...
...but how about a funny story? The Yugoslav GM Boris Kostisch had just died,and there was a memorial tournament in his name organized. As the event went on,an American and a Yugoslav were running neck and neck for 1st place. The American complained to the organizers that the Yugoslav player was having all his games thrown to him,and what were they going to do about it? The answer was:"Nothing. That makes it a fitting memorial. Old Kostisch never was above buying or selling a game!"
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He can teach his wife mating positions
The old chestnut of "If you treat your wife like a queen she'll tell everyone who the king is"
Some trivia - In Australia there's a brand of condoms called "Checkmate" - just shows how seriously chess is taken in Australia.
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I see that in this post jokes can be said...
2 friends see themselves by the street and one of them says:
-My wife says that if tomorrow I go to the chess match, it will take my children and it will leave me.
The other friend asks to him:
-And what you will do?
And the other answers to him:
-E4, how always!
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I had to remove my chess joke from the speech as half the audience were very conservative, so no smut allowed. However the speech went down very well. Thanks again for responses..